Director’s Commentary – The title of this post, which I struggled with during the entire writing of it, comes from Maroon5 song that happened to play as I was finishing this up. Somehow, as I think you’ll see, it seemed apropos.
A quick follow-up about the HoMM V demo: I am now certain that the full version will be excellent and just as addictive as previous HoMM games. And my bad about the mission; I missed an objective that I was supposed to finish within a week, so the mission wasn’t actually buggy at all. Today, I beat the first campaign mission and, subsequently, the much shorter second mission. Towards the end of the first mission, my army was extremely impressive, but I won the mission before I got to fully utilize it. Still, I’m impressed with the way this game has turned around from the beta, going from virtually unplayable to awesome in a period of a couple of months. Great work, Nival Interactive.
Surprisingly, I’ve had a light workload for some time now. The week before the last week of classes, you would expect to be hectic, but I’ve lucked out somehow. Instead, I’ve had time to think, and boy, have I been doing that.
Warning: gory personal life details ahead…
A lot has been on my mind recently, mainly regarding Rachel. I thought I was ok, but I’m not. I can’t stop thinking about those 3 blissful days that we were together and wondering if there’s any way we can get back to that. At best, it’s doubtful. To illustrate why, I have an anecdote, but out of respect for Rachel’s privacy, I won’t post it here. On a case-by-case basis, I will tell you guys about it, but you have to contact me to hear it (Rachel, if you’re reading this and you object, let me know; also, we should probably talk :-P).
I think I’ve pinpointed what’s driving me crazy about this whole nightmare (yes, back to the dream metaphor): I’m a control freak. Whenever I’m in a team project, I unintentionally take a leadership role, simply because I want to make sure that it’s done right, and I generally don’t trust others in that regard. I’m uncomfortable in airplanes because I can’t ensure that we’ll get to our destination safely (unlike when I’m driving a car, although that makes me slightly nervous too because I worry about other drivers). I like to keep my room neat so that I know where everything is. Similarly, I prefer an organized life, one where I can predict with a fair amount of certainty what’s going to happen next. Until a conclusive resolution is reached, I can’t let go of this; as long as there’s still hope, I’ll do everything in my power to realize that hope. Naturally, as I can’t control Rachel’s decisions (and nor should I be able to), I’m going insane over all of these useless and distracting thoughts (i.e. does she want to give it another chance? did I do something wrong? what should I do? is there even anything I can do?).
Something else that has been bothering me has been my reaction to all of this. When Rachel and I broke up, I was an emotional wreck, but I didn’t cry and still haven’t. And yet, I feel like I should be crying; after all, the happiest time of my life came to an abrupt end while I just watched, virtually speechless and metaphorical jaw agape, as everything fell apart. Since two Saturdays ago, I’ve been in a mild state of depression and also felt like screaming on occasion, but I have to concentrate in order to build up that level of emotion. Otherwise, I’ve just been numb: not happy, not sad, not angry, only ambivalent. Have I really become that accustomed to disappointment that I’m desensitized to it? Or is this my psyche’s defense mechanism, my way of coping with all my internal turmoil? Or does some subconscious part of me know that it wasn’t meant to be? Perhaps there’s another possibility I haven’t considered?
I may not know, but as of right now, I do know that I would take Rachel back in an instant. I hate thinking, “What if…?”, and I believe that a relationship between Rachel and me deserves another, more sincere chance. If she feels the same way, she’s not giving any hint of it. So the guessing game continues (if only it were feasible to discuss such things directly…). By the end of this semester, I plan on determining with certainty whether Rachel is a lost cause or not. But the suspense is killing me.
1 comment:
I think I've been in and out of relationships enough to give a little advice (or none at all, it depends). Since you said those 3 days were so blissful, I definitely think your numbness is your emotional system shutting down. It's not that you're so used to disappointment, but it's because you're not used to emotion of this kind that your mind doesn't know what to do and it bluescreens.
And as for your concern towards a possible reconciliation, why don't you just ask her? If your friendship with her isn't open enough so you can ask a deeper question of her feelings like that, then that's probably a sign. But in any case, try asking. It takes a lot of nerve, but you'll feel better afterwards knowing how she feels.
(Sorry for my long-windedness. :) )
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