Fini?

I think I’ve done a 180 on this whole Rachel thing. After spending some more time with her, I’ve realized that trying to re-start our relationship would be futile. I don’t think it would lead anywhere, except us splitting up again and more emotional pain for both of us. Plus, I’ve noticed that she reminds me a lot of someone I had a crush on throughout high school, someone who was equally appealing and frustrating (although there are some very significant differences too, in most cases for the better), and I think that can explain why I was so strongly attracted to her initially and why I’m disillusioned now. When I was with Rachel today, I enjoyed myself and had a great time but otherwise, I don’t have the romantic feelings towards her that I had as recently as a few days ago.

Why the sudden about-face? Mostly, I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and soul-searching, as is typical for me with these kinds of experiences. I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly my intentions are with Rachel, and hanging out with her recently has clarified my thoughts in this regard. My problem seems to be that I idealize all the crushes I’ve ever had, ignoring the incompatibilities and causing myself to act (when I do act, which is rare) rashly. The result has always been disappointment, mostly at my behavior. And having given the matter way too much thought, I’m convinced that a long-term relationship between Rachel and me can not possibly work.

Given the emotional rollercoaster I’m currently on, I may change my mind again, but I’m certain enough about this to say that I intend to move on. Where to, I don’t know, and I think that’s why I’m so reluctant to give up on Rachel (that, and the happy memories of our brief time together). And as mentioned in a previous post, I look out at my other options here at Lehigh and see no one of interest (either that, or the alternatives I see are infeasible for various reasons). Since it’s almost summer anyway, I guess there isn’t really time to start another relationship, so that provides some comfort. Still, I had a sliver of hope of ending my loneliness and letting go of that is amazingly painful.

Maybe I should stop posting in the evening; around this time, I’m generally at my lowest, leading to these gloomy posts. Soon, once I’m out of Lehigh for the summer, I hope that will mean that I’ll be over this post-relationship funk and back to my relatively content self. Honestly, I’m tired of being stuck down here and just want to forget about it all. Well, maybe not all...