Beyond Election Day

I was just about to go to bed, but I need to put down a few reactions that I had to Election Day before that day gets too far away.

As most of you know, I was a huge Obama proponent from the primaries onwards, so of course I'm thrilled that he beat McCain/Palin (especially because of Palin *shudders*). Unlike 2004, when I got involved in volunteering for Kerry's campaign, I was not involved in Obama's campaign in any way, beyond some activity during the primaries. However, that wasn't because of a lack of trying: I reached out to the Young Democrats in Arlington, but beyond receiving some literature from them, they never asked for my help. As it turns out, they didn't need it, but there's a bit of me that regrets not being more involved in this historic campaign (yes, I know that phrase is already a cliché, but it is appropriate).

And while I despised the fear mongering campaign that McCain ran (admittedly, the Obama campaign ran its share of negative ads, but they never stooped to the "guilt by association" tactics that the McCain campaign used), he couldn't have been more gracious in his concession speech, so I am grateful for that. I still am worried that there's a lot of simmering anger from the results of this election; the campaign got very heated, especially towards the end (in particular, I'm thinking about the McCain/Palin rallies where some shouted out about Obama "terrorist" or "kill him"; I'm unaware of any similar outbursts at Obama rallies). But with any luck, those who opposed Obama will realize that he has the best interests of the country in mind, just as McCain did.

Among my friends who did not like Obama, the main concern I heard was that they feared that Obama's rhetoric was a siren song: designed to entice the listener into false hope and masquerading ill-thought-out policies that could have dangerous consequences. Even though I personally think that persepctive is overly paranoid and largely unwarranted, I'm not so trusting as to believe that Obama will do everything he said, or that his policies will even work as well as they're intended.

However, here is what I would ask of those who are skeptical: wait and see. Now that he's been elected, there is no point in protesting Obama's potential flaws; in a few months, we will actually get to see what sort of president Obama really is. When that happens, you have every right to come to whatever conclusions you want. But let's not pre-judge him and start proclaiming that the end is near, simply because he was elected. Despite wanting Gore to win in 2000, I gave the same benefit of the doubt to Bush (and quickly revoked it after the Patriot Act/invasion of Iraq); I ask that those who opposed Obama do the same now.

If nothing else, we should be able to agree that we have tough years ahead of us. Credit is scarce, thus suppressing the economy; jobs are dwindling; our armed forces are still in two wars; and the potential for a future crisis with another country like Iran or North Korea (maybe even Russia?) is high. And in times like these, more than ever, it's important for us to try and look past partisanship. So as we approach January and the inauguration of a new president, let's approach it with an open mind. For myself and other Obama supporters, that should mean that we should not blindly approve of every policy that Obama and the Democratic Congress choose to pursue; rather, we should look at each proposal with a critical eye and judge it on its merits and on its flaws. And for those who supported McCain, that should mean not automatically opposing any measures that Obama or the Democratic Congress introduces simply because they come from Democrats; rather, be willing to compromise and to admit that liberals, just like conservatives, have good ideas that are worth considering.

Measures banning gay marriage that passed in several states suggest that we are not yet out of the "culture wars" mentality and that we have a long way to go in terms of respecting each other's differences. But I think that we are moving slowly but surely away from those attitudes. And I hope that, over the next 4 or more years, we can continue to make progress in that area. Because if we can come together as a people, and learn to treat each other equally despite our cultural differences, I think we can do amazing things. *cue dramatic pose in front of waving American flag*

Ok, enough ruminating/lecturing. Those are my hopes for the coming years, however inadequately expressed they may be, and I hope that you'll share them with me.

Politics as Usual

I don't have time for a proper post right now, but to satiate those of you who are desiring news from me (all 2 of you, I'm sure), here's the very short version of how I'm doing: well adapted to my new roommate-less life, work's going swimmingly, and I've still got a wonderful girlfriend. In other words, can't complain.

Anyway, the real reason for this post is to share something you might not have heard about today's market collapse. As you probably read, the market had its biggest one-day loss in history because the House of Representatives failed to pass a bill that would bail out the country's major financial institutions. But do you know what that bill was called?

"To amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to provide earnings assistance and tax relief to members of the uniformed services, volunteer firefighters, and Peace Corps volunteers, and for other purposes" (source: http://clerk.house.gov/evs/2008/roll674.xml)

"... and for other purposes"? I think $700 billion qualifies as a little bit more than "other purposes." They couldn't mention the cost or the purpose for the $700 billion somewhere in that long title? Could there be a more blatant attempt to drum up support for a bill by hiding its main purpose behind an unobjectionable, patriotic title? Well, maybe not quite as blatant as the Patriot Act...

No wonder most people can't stand politics, when stupid games like that take place.

The Move: Before and After

Whew, moving's a lot of work, both physically and emotionally. But now, about a week after the move, I'm very much settled in Arlington, VA. Technically, I'm still waiting on some stuff that my parents are delivering this coming weekend, but all the important stuff's here. I've gone grocery shopping, I've done some of my own cooking (nothing fancier than pasta so far, but it's a start), I've scoped the area out a bit, I've tried the commute to work (yep, even woke up early to get an idea of what it'd be like driving in rush hour traffic), and I've officially become a Virginia resident by obtaining a driver's license and all that accoutrement (sorry if that sounds pretentious, I just like the word). My health isn't 100%, but it isn't terrible either (ibuprofen helps out on the bad days). I'm definitely still getting used to the notion of living on my own for the first time in my life, but now that I've proved to myself that I can make my own meals (basic though they may be), I have the confidence I need to do it (is it sad that cooking for myself was one of my biggest worries?).

Anyway, you probably weren't interested in all those details, right? What you probably want are these: pictures!

Arlington Apt (Aug 2008)

The place has changed a little bit, since those pictures were all taken on the day of the move (Saturday) before everything was unpacked, but it should give you a basic idea of how I'm living. I like it a lot, except for my basic cable package, so I watch almost no TV; I just catch "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" online after they air. Anyway, one more weekend, and then my first day of work's on Monday. I'm looking forward to it, although naturally, I'm nervous too. If my health could return to normal by then, I'd be more confident, but I can't shake the worry that I'm going to feel terrible that day. But barring that, it should be fine. I start at 9 am, which is better than the 8 am start time I had back home, so that's a plus. Until then, back to goofing off, hooray! :-P

Now Leaving: Poor Health; Next Stop: DC

Sorry, friends, for my recent blog sabbatical. Despite not having a summer job, I've kept rather busy with girlfriend visits (that's one girlfriend who I visit/who visits me, not several girlfriends that visit me :-P ), an almost week-long trip to Vermont (briefly mentioned in the last post), apartment hunting (more on that later), preparations for my big move, and another almost week-long trip to North Carolina for my grandmother's birthday. That last trip was this past week and would have been a pretty great time, except for the timing...

About two and a half weeks ago, I woke up one day with what felt like a muscle cramp in my lower back. "Oh well," I thought, "I must have just pulled something in my sleep." A week later, the pain was still going strong, and I had just developed a sore throat to boot, but it was time for our family trip to NC, and neither the back pain nor the sore throat were severe enough to warrant staying at home.

So along I went to our wonderful rented log cabin (very modern, not ye olde Abraham Lincoln-style) in the picturesque western NC mountains. Only one problem: our cabin was at the top of a shoddy, unpaved, twisting, steep country road. Now, it wasn't a big issue the night we got there, but we imagined how well our minivan would handle the road on a stormy night (i.e. not very well) and, two days later, packed everything up and moved to one of the rental agency's other properties. It was a wise choice: it was easier to reach, roomier, more private (at the log cabin, sound echoed throughout the house), and just plain comfier. The only drawback was the poor cellphone reception at the new place, making staying in touch with my girlfriend a frustrating process.

Sadly, my back pain and sore throat did not improve during this time, so about halfway through the trip, I gave in and complained enough to convince my mother to take me to a medical clinic. The clinic's staff were among the nicest people in the healthcare industry I've ever met, and considering how nervous I was that something serious was wrong with me, that made the visit much easier. Fortunately, my greatest fear (kidney problems) was quickly ruled out, and the clinic doctor decided I was just having a muscle issue in my back. I neglected to mention the sore throat problem, because it wasn't particularly bothersome yet. I was prescribed some ibuprofen and muscle relaxants and sent on my way.

After a couple of days on the medicines, my back improved, but my sore throat didn't. And by the end of the drive home this past Sunday, my back pain started to return, and my sore throat had worsened. So on Monday, when I awoke with back pain that was about as bad as it had ever been, I decided that it was time to see a local doctor. However, as luck would have it, my doctor's office was closed for the week, so I had to go to a clinic in Salisbury for the first time ever. I didn't have to wait long to be seen, and while the back pain examination led to the same conclusion as last time (muscle problem), I made sure to mention the sore throat too. And while this clinic is apparently not supposed to examine a patient for two separate problems (I was not, and still am not, sure they weren't connected), they administered two tests: one for strep throat and one for mononucleosis. Guess which one was positive?

Yes, I have mono. After the diagnosis, I was quickly given a steroid shot to boost my immune system and keep my lymph nodes from enlarging. And in addition to the normal prescriptions for my back pain (i.e. another ibuprofen-like substance and two types of muscle relaxants), I was given a prescription for a week-long steroid regimen to keep my mono under control. So far, so good: when I woke up on Tuesday, without having taken any medicine besides the steroid shot that was administered on Monday, my back felt almost perfect, and my sore throat felt much better. So I've passed on the ibuprofen and muscle relaxants for now and stuck with the steroid regimen. My only other encounter with steroids (to my knowledge) is my allergy medicine, which involves very little in a given dose, and I'm tolerating these steroids ok, with the only noticeable side effect being an occasionally increased heart rate. Today, my back pain has made a slight appearance, so I'll be monitoring that over the next few days.

Anyway, the good news is, I should be through the worst of my mono, assuming that the sore throat that started last week was the beginning of the symptomatic part of mono (in case you don't know, mono incubates in its host for 4-6 weeks before any symptoms show). Once the symptoms begin, the sore throat generally persists for no more than 2 weeks. After that, you're supposed to just be fatigued for another couple of weeks or so before being back to normal. However, there are at least two characteristics of my experience with mono that are unusual: 1) I haven't had a fever yet, even though fever almost always accompanies mono. 2) I haven't noticed any significant decrease in my energy level. I'm assuming that I'm just an atypical case of mono, because the other diseases/viruses that register positively in the mono spot test (where they prick your finger and put some blood on a test widget) are too serious and involve too many other symptoms that I don't have. So as long as what I have is, in fact, mono, I should be in the clear soon, although perhaps as soon as I stop the steroids, the other symptoms will surface too. I'm trying not to think about that possibility.

But since it seems to be resolving itself, I'm taking this unexpected turn in my health in stride. It has involved a number of complications: I had to inform my girlfriend about it, of course; I can't do any heavy lifting because of the risk of provoking my spleen to rupture (something else that comes along with mono: an enlarged spleen), which is forcing my parents to take care of many of my packing duties for me (I'm still doing what I can, but I'm trying not to get overconfident and assume that I'm back to normal before I actually am); and my girlfriend and I have to figure out when I'm safely kissable again. :-P

So while the timing is a bit inconvenient, at least my job doesn't start for about two more weeks, at which point mono should be well behind me. Plus, since my family will be taking care of much of the lifting involved with moving, I won't have to worry too much about my move tiring me out, although I wish I could help with that more than I'll be able to.

The main reason for all this detail is, I wanted to apologize to all my friends (mostly Lehigh ones) who I won't be able to see before my move. I was planning on heading north to see some people before my move this week, but since the mono diagnosis, that idea has gone out the window. So sorry, guys, but it's nothing personal. It just wouldn't be a smart idea for me to make that trip in my current condition. But I'm sure we'll find other excuses to see each other in the future (EPiC, anyone?). Now with all that unpleasantness done, moving on...

Last month was monumental, because I found an apartment and most of the furniture for my apartment. Apartment hunting consisted of going to Arlington, VA and walking around to five different apartment complexes that I had determined beforehand. By my second visit, I was convinced that I found the place I wanted, based on its price, location, appearance, and feel. Still, I went to the other places, just to make sure, and by the end of it, I was sure that my first instinct was the right one. And since I'd found a place, the next week, my mom and I went furniture shopping. Although it was rather expensive, we successfully ordered furniture to be delivered (and assembled upon delivery, if necessary) for my bedroom, dining room, and living room. I'm very happy with what we decided on, and once I get all settled in this weekend, I'll be sure to take lots of pictures.

Dealing with mono has put a bit of a damper on the upcoming move. I was expecting to be really excited about it, but since the potential of mono's symptoms exacerbating hangs overhead, it's tempered my anticipation a bit. However, since I know mono is temporary, I'm still psyched to be moving to a new area, to be starting a new chapter in my life. And in this chapter, I'll be closer to my girlfriend; reconnecting with old friends who have also moved to the area; starting my potential career (if things pan out at HPTi); and exploring a wonderful city that I've enjoyed everytime I've visited it. If anyone has some advice about moving to a new area or specifically about DC, I'd love to hear it. And with the summer coming to a close, I anticipate that I'll be going back to regular posting, starting with this one. I'll do my best to keep in touch with you, even as I leave home in the most permanent way yet. I have one request: please wish me good luck and good health. I'll need both for the upcoming weeks. My move is on Friday/Saturday, and I'll try to provide an update shortly after settling in. Take care, everyone!

A Sure Sign of the Apocalypse...

For one hole today, golf was more exciting than any other sport out there. And if you watched the end of the US Open today, you know what I mean.

[SPOILER]I may just have to watch 18 holes of golf for the first time tomorrow.[/SPOILER]

I never posted about my week-long Vermont trip, but I think I talked about it to just about all of you. If you were left out of the loop, get in touch, and I'd be glad to fill you in with the details. As for this week: Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get a better idea of where I need to move to in the DC-metro area for my job, and later this week, my girlfriend will be visiting Salisbury for the first time. It should be a good week. :-)

News Up the Wazoo

So I'm a bit under the weather, with a slight fever and accompanying headache, but I won't let that dispel the good news I recently received. But before all that...

Graduation: What a disappointment. Well, the ceremony was a disaster anyway. The speaker, who was the CEO of Lenovo (the company that acquired IBM's notebook computer division), was uninteresting, uninspiring, and long-winded. I didn't actually time it, but I think he yammered on for about half-an-hour, regularly extending his speech with the phrase, "And that reminds me of another story..." Some of my friends disagreed, but I think if they had been at graduation last year, they would have realized how much better it could have been.

And then, there was the weather. The ceremony took place outside in the field of Lehigh's athletic stadium. Around the time that I walked onto the stage to receive my degree, the sky began spitting rain, despite a forecast that only called for a 20% chance of precipitation. Not too long after my friend and I sat down, the rain increased in intensity and, just in case Mother Nature hadn't already expressed its disdain for us, changed to freezing rain. I know it was freezing rain, because I could see bits of ice land on my robe as we sat there. Shortly after this nonsense started, my friend and I quickly agreed to retreat from the stadium, back to the tents for each department's after-graduation reception. As my friend and I shivered in there, I talked to some other friends of mine who retreated to the same tent and also got interviewed by a local TV crew on the topic of concerns over the job market for a new college graduate, a piece I imagine they do every year (I just looked up the video online and I'm in there for about a second, talking about how Career Services got me about 3 interviews, although I think it was actually more like 5; my friend Rich got several seconds of airtime, http://wfmz.com/view/?id=269392).

My roommate followed suit, and we went to lunch at around 1 pm. His family was incredibly nice and generous, I got to see one of my previous roommates, and lunch was delicious. The only downside was, it made me late for the international relations after-graduation get-together. By the time I got there, only two professors remained. Contrary to my expectations, my honors thesis adviser (the same guy I TA'ed for last year) did show up but was long gone when I was arrived. But it was good talking to the professors I did see, and I'm going to try and send an occasional update to the IR department; they definitely pestered me enough about that.

Since then, I've been traveling a bit, seeing friends and spending time with my girlfriend. Then, at the beginning of last week, after another e-mail harassing my employer, HPTi, they got back to me with a surprise revelation: they wanted me in Dover, NJ working in their "defense research and engineering" division. I had two problems with that: 1) It was not in DC, the area I had told all my friends I would be moving to in August. 2) That division sounded a little too much like "weapon systems" to me, and I want a job where I can sleep at night with what I'm doing. I quickly called HPTi with my concerns, and I was reassured that they would see what they could do and get back to me by the end of the week. Well, that didn't happen, but I was with my girlfriend until Tuesday and vowed to hold off on dealing with this situation until I got back. When I did back, I postponed for another couple of days, before finally calling HPTi on Thursday. I got the answering machine but, within 10 minutes or so, heard back that everything had been resolved: I'll be working with the "secured software solutions" division for clients like the IRS and FBI, and that will put me in the DC-metro area. Hooray, success!

And then, today, I received equally great news: my girlfriend got her job in the DC area, so in a few months, we'll be a lot closer to each other and see each other much more frequently. It was the job she really wanted, and I couldn't be more psyched for her. The timing of this was especially nice, because we'll be heading off to Vermont for about a week on Sunday. A friend of mine has a cabin up there, and he was kind enough to invite us. Presumably, whatever illness I have now will be gone by then. And in that vein, I should be off to bed soon to keep doing my part to get well. Good night!

Thoughts on Post-Lehigh Life

Well, it's still hard to believe, but in about a week, I'll graduate for a second time and leave Lehigh behind forever. ... That's not exactly true; I hope to visit Lehigh each year for the foreseeable future for EPiC (Lehigh's annual gaming convention). Nonetheless, there's no question that I'll be going through an enormous transition over the next few months: the end of college life and the beginning of professional life.

The company that hired me has been annoyingly sparse on details, such as where I need to move, when my exact start date is, etc. I know that I'll be in the DC area and that I'm supposed to start some time in August, but every time I've asked for more specifics, I've been politely rebuffed but assured that they're coming. So far, no luck, and I'd really like to start looking for an apartment in June. But if I pester them enough, maybe escalate to calling them instead of e-mailing them, I should be able to get some real information.

I'm anxious about all the work involved in moving: finding a place, packing up everything I'll want to take (all the things I had at Lehigh and then some), maybe finding a roommate, etc. And then, I have to get familiar with the area, taking note of places to eat, figuring out how the commute to work will be, seeing what there is to do on the weekends (that part'll be fun). Over the summer, I might need to start preparing for independent life by learning how to cook something besides pasta. Really, with a recipe book and the proper ingredients, I can cook; it'll just take practice and the motivation to actually make a meal instead of taking the easier, quicker path of frozen, pre-made meals. A roommate will help with that, because he could share the burden of cooking, help decide on what meals to make, etc.

Something else I hope to do over the summer to smooth the transition is brush up on my programming skills. I don't know what language will be in heavy use at my job, but as much as I like C at this point, I should probably go back to Java, because it's favored by many in the industry for its quick prototyping, extensive API, and general programming-friendliness. The best way to refresh my Java skills would be to actually work on a Java project or revise a previous Java project I've done, so that's something I plan on starting in June.

But before any of that, I still have graduation in a week. I'm at home, and graduation's far enough away that the finality of it hasn't hit me yet. Maybe it never will? I've gotten a little too accustomed to making transitions, so perhaps graduation won't be emotional at all. I kind of hope it is, because it'll mean that I'm still capable of being emotional. In recent years, the closest I've come to tearing up is from certain movies I've seen, and that just doesn't seem right some how. Ever since I had the problem with my eye where I couldn't stop producing tears (February last year), I haven't produced any tears, although I've come close every now and then. Other than movies, tragic news stories sometimes get me on the precipice but never over the edge. I guess I've never been the sort of person to cry easily or regularly, and I'm ok with that. But in my time at Lehigh, I've gone through some experiences that I think are worth crying about but that, for whatever reason, did not result in tears. We'll have to wait and see if graduation changes that. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does.

And how does my time at Lehigh look, now that it's about to come to an end? Well, I won't even attempt to sum up my Lehigh experience in this post, but despite the rocky start and a bunch of things I would change about Lehigh if I had the power, I think I've once again been exceptionally lucky and blessed. My friends have been fantastic; activities like improv changed how I'll go about my life; my academic life was productive and resulted in a computer science senior project (a Wiki page that, for the moment, is still at http://www.thedouglyuckling.net/roguewiki/Main_Page) and an international relations honors thesis (a document that I'll share on demand, just ask if you want to read about hackers and cyberwarfare); my social skills improved immeasurably; and the memories are overwhelmingly positive.

But ultimately, the institution had very little to do with how I came out of it. Sure, Lehigh's professors and facilities were crucial parts of my experience, but it was all the people at the institution (including the professors) and who I met through Lehigh who deserve the lion's share of the credit for what Lehigh has given me. I suspect that other schools would have worked equally well, but Lehigh gets my thanks for letting me meet the people I did, people I probably would not have encountered anywhere else (although who knows what great people I could have met somewhere else?). In today's age of social networking, cell phones, and IM, I hope to stay in touch with as many of those people (some of which may be you!) as possible, but inevitably, some connections will be lost, and I regret those loses in advance. But I've found that those connections can be reestablished fairly easily and suddenly, and I look forward to all the exciting and unexpected ways that will happen.

That's all I've got for now. Surely, I'll have more to say about graduation. Until then, take care.

Thesis: Done (more or less)!

Better late than never: At 6:10 pm today, I finished my first complete draft of my thesis. Assuming my adviser doesn't hate it, it'll probably get revised one more time, and then that's it. Of course, I encountered printing problems, requiring me to run across the street to our library and print again... only to find that the second printer I was using didn't support duplex. So I ran up the stairs to a set of computers that were connected to a duplex printer, and after 10 minutes of waiting for Windows and Word to load and communicate with the printer (whereas the same process probably takes about a minute in my room), I finally had two complete copies of my thesis in my hands (one for my adviser, one for my alternate reader). But the IR office is closed at this point, so I have to wait until tomorrow to deliver the goods. And I was able to quickly resolve the printing problems when I got back from the library, meaning I wasted half-an-hour at the library for no reason. But it's

DONE! (basically)

Yeah, I'm a little bit excited about it.

Approaching the End of an Era

Wow, just a week of classes and a week of finals, and that's it for Lehigh. I've been so busy with my thesis (among other things) that, until yesterday, it hadn't really hit me that my time at Lehigh is coming to an end soon. But at the end of the last improv show I'll ever do with Lehigh's group, the Hobo Army, there was a surprise: Since two of my roommates and myself are graduating (funny that it just happens that all the people who are leaving the group are living together), our last game was a series of scenes along the theme of, Where will we be in 5 years? It was a blast, and we definitely did some of our own scenes. But it was a poignant reminder of how different life will be in a few months, and it was the first time that I've been prompted in recent weeks to think about what I'll be leaving behind. At this point, I'm accustomed to accepting that life has to move on and that things have to change, but this will be the most dramatic change to have happened in the last 5 years. It's an exciting time but also a little sad, of course. I think graduation will be an especially emotional time. Unlike graduation last year, there will be a feeling of finality this time around. I can't really know how I'll react until graduation itself, but it'll definitely be memorable.

In the meantime, there's still a lot to be done before I'll be walking onto the commencement stage. A thesis to finish (only a little left to do, hopefully I'll complete it by Monday), several papers to write, a "war game" exercise for my Network Security class, etc. Busy busy busy, like usual. Wish me luck.

An Illustration of Life's Fickleness

Although I had a busy weekend (participated in the Elizabethtown Improv Festival on Friday and Saturday, attended a choir concert on Saturday night), I just wanted to mention one incident that I think is worthy of some reflection. I didn't have a ticket for the choir concert, so when I got back from the improv festival at 7:30 pm on Saturday night, I quickly scarfed down the dinner I picked up from Wendy's and got to Zoellner (Lehigh's arts center, the location of the performance) at 7:50 pm, 10 minutes before showtime. Now, I wasn't too worried about getting a ticket, since I was going by myself, but there was a line for the ticket office. Not even a minute after I got into line, an usher came by, waving a single ticket in the air and offering it for free to any who needed it. I was the first to accept the offer and found myself in the center of the orchestra area, only two rows away from the stage.

What this lucky occurrence made me think of was, how our choices can have so many unpredictable effects. If I had chosen to skip dinner and go straight to Zoellner, I would have bought a ticket before getting this free offer. If I had arrived a few minutes later, someone else would have snapped up the free ticket before I got there. But by arriving exactly when I did, I got a free ticket, even though it would have been a better "a priori" choice to arrive early and ensure that I got a good seat (of whatever was remaining). And yes, feel free to call me pretentious for using the phrase "a priori".

So what does this mean for how we should make choices in life, if the consequences of our choices can't be predicted? Well, for me, it's about risk minimization (in this case, minimizing the risk of not getting a good seat) and benefit maximization (in this case, getting the best seat possible). And since I couldn't have known that I would get a free ticket in a good location by arriving late, I should have arrived earlier to ensure that I got a good seat. I just happened to get lucky this time.

I was not so lucky Sunday night, when I went to an event that was giving out tickets to see Barack Obama at a local college. I arrived at that 10 minutes before that started, and I was greeted with a building full of other people who got there before me. I was tempted to try to pull some strings to skip up to the front of the line (the group giving out the tickets was one with which I've volunteered), but that seemed unfair to all the others who had to stand in line. Instead, I accepted my poor anticipation of the turnout for this opportunity and returned empty-handed to my apartment. It was kind of nice that my luck didn't repeat itself, because it reminded me that everything doesn't come easy and that most of the time, you have to take appropriate measures to achieve a desired outcome.

But that's just one conclusion that you could draw, and it's the one I took. Anyone have any different insights to contribute?

"If You Try Sometimes, You Might Find..."

After an afternoon and evening of frustrating thesis work and almost equally frustrating computer science homework (and I still have a lot more to do for both), you wouldn't think I would be going to bed with a smile on my face...

:-)

Music Recommendation o' the Evening

It's been a long time since I've included a "What I'm listening to now" section in a blog post, but as I'm up late tonight doing some work I should have done earlier this afternoon, I have to tell you about an album I got at the end of break that has grabbed me in a way that, generally speaking, only Radiohead albums can. It's not a particularly obscure album, and its sound is only tangentially similar to Radiohead's, but I'm enjoying it so much that I need to share it with anyone who may have passed it by when it came out last year. I did, and I'm glad that I corrected this oversight and took a risk on it... albeit a risk that only cost me a few bucks after a $10 Walmart gift card. Before I reveal this album's identity, I'll leave some space so that you can try and guess the album before reading on...














Any guesses? I'll give you a little more time...
















It's Modest Mouse's "We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank". I'm not a huge Modest Mouse fan, as the only other album of theirs that I own is "Good News for People Who Love Bad News" (me, and everyone else who was charmed by "Float On"), but I liked enough of that album that I was intrigued when I heard they had released a new one. But it slipped out of my mind, until I happened to stumble upon it at Walmart at the end of break. And holy crap, it is fantastic. It is the most cohesive album I've heard in ages, where each song gives way to the next one organically and contributes to a unified sound. I still can't understand half of what Isaac Brock (the band's lead singer) is singing without listening very closely, but I'm ok with songs that aren't easily singable, and the lyrics that I do understand (and read in the liner notes), along with the contribution of Brock's characteristic (sometimes growling, often malevolently tinged) voice, more than make up for that deficiency. I'll admit that the album didn't connect with me immediately, probably because I initially heard part of it in the car and part of it at home, but after about 3 full listen-throughs over as many days, I'm hooked.

If you suspect that your musical tastes resemble mine in any way, check out this album. I was hoping that I would like it, but I was shocked to find out just how good it is. I can't believe I missed it last year.

PS - This week, and maybe next week too, will be especially busy for me, as I'm back from break and, though I did make some progress on other fronts over break, still swamped with honors thesis work. I'll try to keep up my semi-weekly schedule, but don't be shocked if things suddenly get very quiet here.

A Break from Break

I'm on my week-long Spring Break, and of course, it started off with me getting sick. Technically, my sore throat/flu thing started last Thursday, but my illness peaked a couple of days ago with a fever that took me completely out of commission for that day. Still, as illnesses go, this one hasn't been so bad and really just gave me another excuse to lounge around the house for this first half of break (like I needed an excuse). And it hasn't prevented me from spending a couple of nights with friends. Tonight will be the biggest meet-up of the break, consisting of a collision between my Lehigh and my high school friends. I hope they like each other, and I have every reason to expect that they will. If not, I guess they'll just have to eliminate each other in Highlander fashion.

Yeah, they're not immortals. So what?

Today was the first day I was able to coerce myself to do something productive. I went through all the things I brought home for break and separated out those things I want to leave at home, reducing what I'll be taking back to Lehigh to about half of what I brought. I then read about 40-50 pages of a book I checked out from the library here on a hacker and his life growing up in Brooklyn (Hacker Cracker); it's not the best written book, but I'm hoping it'll provide me with some insights into how hackers operate that I can incorporate into my thesis. I followed that up with 20 pages of overdue Nietzsche reading that'll help put me back on track in my religion class. So that leaves me with:
- About 10 more pages to Nietzsche to read
- The rest of Hacker Cracker to finish (~150 pages)
- Several issues of The Economist to browse through so as to not let that subscription go to waste
- About 100 pages of a networking book to skim in preparation for an exam I have the week I get back
- Hundreds of pages of thesis research to explore for useful quotes
- 10+ pages to write for my thesis

Wow, when I enumerate it like that, it really is a lot, isn't it? But I'm feeling unusually motivated for once, so I expect to make a significant dent in all of that. Nonetheless, any well-wishes or prayer or pagan rituals would be appreciated; I'll need all of those to make any headway.

Oh, and if you didn't get that Highlander reference, I'll need to revoke your "nerd" credentials, if you ever had them. Sorry, but I don't make the rules; I just arbitrarily enforce them.

"Good News, Everybody!"

Futurama is amazing! But that's not actually my good news...

The good news is, I've met someone! I won't go into too much detail here, but I wanted to post something in case anyone notices a change in my Facebook profile. She doesn't go to Lehigh, but she's not that far away either. We met last weekend, and I managed to persuade her and some of her friends to make a return visit to Lehigh this weekend. We attended a couple of parties, got to know each other better, and decided that we should start going out. I'm a bit concerned about the logistics of a somewhat long-distance relationship, but Spring Break starts this next weekend, so I should be able to visit her again before going home for break. I won't say anything more, out of fear of jinxing a good thing and also out of respect for her privacy, but I wanted to make sure that you weren't in the dark about this development. I ended up being right that I wouldn't find anyone at Lehigh, but I still found someone, and that's what's important.

In other, significantly more boring news, I finally started my thesis last week, and I'm attempting to finish off a rough draft of Part 1 (out of at least 5) today. It's good to have something concrete, but I have a long way to go before I'll be satisfied with my progress. But I'm very happy with Obama's progress. He's in a strong position, but he still has to do well in Texas and/or Ohio to secure the nomination. Fingers crossed...

Oh, and in news that's only exciting for me and maybe some other Linux users: As of a week or two ago, I have sound working in Ubuntu for the first time since I got my computer in the summer. Also, I found software that lets me use the LCD on my keyboard to display various information (clock, performance monitor, current track playing, etc.) and also lets me use the media player keys on my keyboard to control Amarok. So now, I can do almost everything in Linux that I can do in Windows, except for play most of my games.

That's all I've got for the moment. I'm super excited for Spring Break, and I look forward to seeing some of you then.

"Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

I made a startling finding, which I hope some of you will appreciate. Today, I was watching the classic movie, WarGames, as part of a 1-credit course I'm taking. Early on in the movie, after inadvertently stumbling into WOPR (NORAD's mainframe), Matthew Broderick's character consults a group of hacker friends to figure out what he's discovered. One of his friends had a voice that I placed right away: it was Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory, aka this guy. And he looks and acts exactly like the nerd-stereotype that Mandark embodies... except without the intent to take over the world. How crazy is that?

Other than that unlikely connection, I have a lot of other matters on my mind, but they're still in a state of flux, so I'll postpone talking about those for now. In the meantime, I hope that the connection between WarGames and Dexter's Laboratory is news to someone else who reads this and blows your mind as much as it blew mine.

Obligatory Post-Super Tuesday Post

Well, I have neither a celebratory nor a despondent post because it's still unclear which candidate is going to get the nomination for the Democrats. I am happy that John McCain beat Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee on the Republican side, and I'm also happy that Barack Obama wasn't blown out of the water by Hillary Clinton. But Obama's got some catching up to do if he wants to win the nomination, although the race is close enough that it may come down to the so-called "super delegates", meaning he may have to simply win over more of them to get the nomination. Too bad that the democratic process might have to come down to such a decidedly undemocratic mechanism, but such is politics.

What is great about this news is, states like Maryland and Pennsylvania may actually matter. So I urge all of you to vote when the time comes, even if you don't vote for Obama, although he's clearly my candidate of choice, in case my recommendation is important to you. Just, whatever you do, don't vote for Clinton because you think she's the only one who has a chance against the Republicans. That's just not true. If anything, Clinton will motivate the Republicans to get their act together and get everybody out to stop her. But if you're looking for a true chance for change and a viable candidate against the Republicans, go with Obama. Please?

I promise to talk about something non-political next time, so if you're apathetic to politics, check back next time.

Post-January Jamboree

As it's been almost a month since my last post, how about a round-up of random happenings?

- Cloverfield - I went with my roommates to see this a couple of weekends ago. If you're on the fence about seeing it, let me try to help you make up your mind: If you're in the mood for a different take on the monster movie genre, go see it. Otherwise, you can skip it and not worry about having missed anything culturally monumental. I was in the mood for a monster movie, and it did everything I expected out of it, nothing more, nothing less. Basically, it was a neat experiment in film-making, and they didn't make any obvious mistakes. So if you can round up a group of friends for it, it's worth an outing to your local cinema.

- Dave and Buster's - I went to the D&B's in Philly last weekend as part of a friend's birthday celebration. I've been to a couple of other D&B's, one in NYC and one in Honolulu (of all places), and I had a good time in both. The one in Philly was a much different experience than the previous two D&B's I visited. Unlike those, this one was clearly a larger part of the city's social scene and was filled to the brim on a Saturday night. We got there at about 7:30 pm and couldn't get a table for dinner until 9:30 pm. Although I enjoyed the gaming we did while waiting for dinner, I suspect it was more because of the excellent company and less because of D&B's itself. Arcade games just don't appeal to me the way they used to, especially as I didn't see any unfamiliar or new games, other than arcade versions of Mario Kart and Virtua Tennis (unfortunately, not with Wii-style controllers, but rather standard joystick/button setups). It also occurred to me that, even though I've been to Philly several times, I've always gone to Philly for a specific event/venue but never taken a trip just to explore the city. I should try to remedy that before I leave Lehigh.

- Life-affirming moment - Sometime this past week, I was walking down from our school's post office, which is basically at the highest point of the academic portion of the campus, to my dorm, which is basically at the bottom of the campus. On the way, I noticed that it was about 1 pm, and at every hour from about 10 am until 5 pm, you can expect to see many people coming out of one building and/or going into another one for class. So I plotted in my head a route that would maximize my probability of running into someone I knew before getting back to my dorm (yes, I actually thought about it in those terms). By executing this plan, I ran into and said hi to 3 people that I knew and saw 2 others who didn't see me back, all in the space of about 5 minutes. When I arrived back at my dorm, I allowed myself a smile, because I realized that the fact that I make calculated decisions like that even when I'm walking around is all the proof I need that computer science is the right major for me.

- There Will Be Blood - I spent Saturday afternoon with Lehigh's Film Club seeing this movie. Although I can understand why this film got all the Oscar nominations it did, I think it's more because of the impression that this film is Oscar-worthy than because it actually is Oscar-worthy. Now, my feelings about this film may be colored by the fact that the theater was packed when my group arrived, and we had to watch it from the awkward vantage point of the front row. And to be clear, I did like it. But I came out of it thinking that it would have worked much better as a play than it did as a film. It seemed to fit the structure of a play, and there were some moments that, I think unintentionally, elicited laughter during the film that would have been taken more seriously and been more intense in a play. The cynical side of me thinks that the Oscar committee saw that the film touched on a present-day topic (i.e. oil) and reflexively nominated the film for everything it could, even though the oil business is mainly a plot device and isn't really commented on by the film. Nonetheless, it's a well-made film, and I would recommend it to anyone looking for a serious, well-acted, truly dramatic film.

- Obama - If you're voting on Tuesday, and you're a registered Democrat, please do me this one favor (in that unlikely confluence of circumstances, considering where most of you live): vote for Obama! If Clinton gets the nomination, I may skip the general election in November because I'll still be depressed from such a narrow brush with greatness. I actually watched another Democratic debate in full, this time just between Obama and Clinton, and although Obama isn't as inspiring in debates as he can be in speeches (see this speech from MLK Day for an example if you can spare half-an-hour), his responses were so well-reasoned that I can't understand why people would vote for Clinton over Obama. All I can think of is, Clinton has the Democratic mystique associated with Bill Clinton working in her favor, and she's been in Congress for longer than Obama. But people should be judged on their own merits, not the merits of those with whom they're associated, and Clinton's experience doesn't mean she'll actually be a better leader. Also, I noticed that the NY Times, which endorsed Clinton a week or two ago, posted yet another article attacking Obama's record, despite having (to the best of my knowledge) never posted such an article against Clinton, even though I know that her record's equally worth (and, in my opinion, more worth) scrutinizing. I can't help but think that's not a coincidence, and I worry that the timing was calculated to place enough doubt in undecided voters to swing the Tuesday primaries in Clinton's favor. (sigh) If you can't tell, I'm trying to temper my expectations, so that if Obama does fall short on Tuesday (and I've been ignoring the polls, so I have no idea what is the general consensus), I won't be taken aback like I was when he lost in New Hampshire.

In more general news, I've been going to the occasional weekly (or, in a good week, biweekly) party and procrastinating like normal. I'm hoping to get my thesis in gear this week, with the aim of having a substantial portion of it drafted my the middle of the month. I expect that, on Wednesday, once the primary results are set in stone and a result is known one way or the other, I'll have a celebratory or despondent post (depending on the outcome), so look forward to/dread that.

2008 Plans and Prospects

The more I think about it, the more I've realized that 2008 is going to be a monumental year for me. I'll be done with my undergraduate studies at Lehigh, and sometime this summer, I'll be starting my first career. I did receive a job offer from NSA, but because it wasn't a sure thing that the job would be there for me once I finished the security clearance process, I accepted the offer from HPTi. I haven't burned my bridges with NSA, and it's possible I could be working with NSA through HPTi, so I'm confident that I made the right decision. I don't know exactly where I'll be when I begin my job (hopefully in the near future, HPTi will be sending me advice on where to move), but I'll definitely be in the DC area, and that's really exciting to me. Here are some of the other expectations I have for the year:

- The beginning and the end of my honors thesis - I'm still behind in the process of writing my honors thesis proposal, but I have a set-in-stone deadline for when that needs to be ready (January 22nd), and I've put aside time in my schedule to work on just the thesis. It's certainly a larger and more ambitious project than I've ever tackled, and I'm curious as to whether I'm up to the challenge. So far, I've successfully avoided doing any serious work on it, meaning this semester is the do-or-die moment. While a significant part of my being cringes at the idea of research and tens of pages of writing, I'm betting on the better part of my being, the part that enjoys intellectual struggle and that committed to this project in the first place, will win out in the end.

- Voting for a presidential candidate who doesn't require me to compromise my values - I haven't discussed politics on this blog in a long time, so permit me this one excursion into that topic: As near as I can tell right now, Barack Obama is the real deal. For me, foreign policy is where the US needs to desperately get back on track, and Obama's nuanced and capable understanding in that realm is exactly what our country needs right now. Furthermore, if he lives up to his promises of crossing party lines, he'll be able to demonstrate true leadership and bring about long overdue changes in this country (healthcare, tax system, fiscal responsibility, etc.). With everyone's assumption up until a few weeks ago that Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee, it looked like I would once again have to vote for the lesser of two evils in the general election, but if Obama's victory in Iowa in any indication, I may get to vote for a candidate who I fully support. Ultimately, once he gets into office, he may fall short of the hype, but if he lives up to any part of it, he'll be one of the best presidents this country has ever seen.

- The start of "adult" life - When I move to the DC area, I'll finally see the complications of day-to-day life from which I've been mostly sheltered: insurance, making my own meals, paying rent, making friends outside of school/the workplace, etc. And unlike all the leisure time I have now, I'll be limited on weekdays to the 4 or 5 hours that will remain between dinner and bed. It's a bit of a bummer, but just as with the transition from high school to college, it's another fresh start, another chance to try different things, another opportunity to redefine myself. When you're with the same group of people from year to year, you create expectations for yourself, and if you start behaving outside of those expectations, those people will think that something's wrong when, in fact, you're just trying to explore other aspects of your personality or trying to pursue other interests. While I'll miss all my college and home friends immensely, I learned when I went abroad this past summer that there is a liberating quality to leaving everything you know behind. Don't get me wrong; I haven't been suppressing the true "me" or anything like that. But I haven't, for example, been able to get out to clubs and try out that whole other side of life that's had me curious for some time but that I haven't had a chance to investigate yet. One's friends, for better or for worse, can restrain you from doing things that they would perceive as "out of character" for you. In my case, anyway, I've been nervous that, after I try something "out of character", my friends will perceive me more negatively for it. So getting away from my friends may temporarily free me of that restraint. But of course, once I've finished exploring, I may find that I had already found the right way of life all along and I'll miss my old friends all the more for that realization.

- Continuing to go slightly outside my comfort zone - Other than the example I just gave, there are other ways I plan on taking some risks. I've committed to performing in an improv show in Elizabethtown, PA with one of Lehigh's improv groups. It'll take place in March, and unlike the shows at Lehigh, we'll be performing along with professional and semi-professional groups (at least that's my understanding). So the pressure will be on like never before, except that the crowd will be mostly unfamiliar to us. And as I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm meeting more women in the hopes of connecting with one of them and having an actual long-term relationship. It might be too little, too late at Lehigh, but there's no reason why I can't be successful in DC, once I find out how the singles scene there works. It's unfortunate that I've only now found a group of people with whom I feel comfortable partying/meeting new people and that I'll have to start again from square one in DC, but as I already discussed, that's not all bad.

I guess that covers the major changes I'm expecting this year. They're not resolutions, per se, but I'm actually fairly satisfied with how I'm living my life at the moment, other than all the procrastination I've been doing in my academics. So my main goal for the semester will be to work on that. Otherwise, as long as I keep pushing the limits of my comfort zone, I think I'll be all right. Happy New Year, and good luck in all your pursuits this semester.

Parties, An Interview, and A Robbery... What?

While I haven't been as busy as some others I know, I've certainly had an eventful week or so since I last posted. Let's get started...

This past Friday (not last week but the week before), I did go to a party, and I did have a really great time. In particular, I proved to myself that I can attract the attention of women by just being myself, so I'm slowly chipping away at that insecurity that I mentioned in the last post. I'll fill you in on the most memorable part, but for the story to make sense, I need to give some background.

About a month ago, on November 10th (I think), after an "a capella" show that featured my roommates, I tagged along with them to an after-party. At this party, I made friends with a woman who then invited me to play Beirut (aka "beer pong", if you're not familiar with Lehigh's terminology) with her. I had never done that, and I told her as much, but she coaxed me into it, reassuring me that she wasn't any good either. As it turns out, we did all right (lost by one cup), but more than anything, it was just an excuse for us to hang out with either other and be a little silly. During this game, she mentioned that I reminded her of the character McLovin from the movie Superbad. If you haven't seen this movie, it's about a group of high school kids trying to have a good time (i.e. get laid) before going off to college. And this character is the geeky, socially awkward archetype who ends up having a crazy time and emerging from his shell through the course of the movie. I didn't want to be associated with that character, probably because it hits a little too close to home for me, but also because I genuinely don't think I look much like him. So throughout the night, I protest that the resemblance is barely even skin-deep, while she tries to get everyone at the party to call me McLovin. Later that night, she even goes so far as to have me sign her arm and the small of her back (she asked me for a "tramp stamp") as McLovin. Yeah, it was a silly thing to do, but I couldn't really say "no" without looking ludicrously prudish, so I pushed aside my self-consciousness and gave her the autographs, even going along with posing for some pictures.

Fast forward to two Fridays ago. I'm behind the bar at a friend's house, reacquainting myself with women I had seen at this place before but didn't really know. One of them says, "Hey, you know who you remind me of?" I know what she's going to say before she even answers her own question. "McLovin from that movie, Superbad!" I look at one of the hosts of the party, who is behind the bar with me and who knew the McLovin story, and he's about to lose it. I turn back to the woman, and then I begin banging the bar with my fists in mock frustration, as if this really bothers me. In fact, it didn't, but I know an opportunity for comedy when I see it, and it would also be a good conversation starter ("What? Did I say something wrong?"), so I melodramatically pound the bar for a little while until I'm sure that I've made my point. I tell her the story, and for the rest of the party, this woman is backpedaling, apologizing constantly and reassuring me that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. It took until almost the end of the party to convince her that I was just kidding and not actually offended. However, I think she liked me a little bit and was afraid that she had actually wounded me with the comparison. I guess I wasn't melodramatic enough at the start to make it clear that I was joking.

Last Sunday, as planned, I drove down to the Baltimore-Washington area to check into my hotel the night before my NSA interview. I spent the night preparing questions for my interviewer and reading Body of Secrets, a book that covers the whole of NSA's history, to familiarize myself with the agency a bit better. But the interview was quite straightforward, lasting about half-an-hour. The position they're trying to fill is more or less simply a programming job, not the cyberwarfare-related position I had expected. While I was disappointed, I was told that, after 2 years with that division of NSA, I could internally apply to other positions, something that NSA encourages to keep employees interested in their work. That restored my enthusiasm somewhat, and the job is still of interest to me. Everyone I met during the whole process (i.e. the people who transported me from building to building to get a badge, fill out paperwork, do fingerprints, etc.) were genuinely friendly, and the work atmosphere there seems really great. I should be hearing back from them this week, as my current job offer's decision deadline is this Friday, so by the end of this week, I'll know where I'll be working next year. Crazy, right?

The rest of the week consisted of working on a paper that was due on Monday but was really due at Tuesday at noon and had a penalty of only one-third of a letter grade (i.e. an A would become an A-, an A- would become a B+, etc.) per day it was late. So by turning it in on Friday morning, the highest grade possible for my paper is a B, but I was proud of the paper that I eventually produced, so I expect to get either a B or B-, which is good enough for me. After that, I studied for an exam that was on Saturday, and now, I'm free until my last exam on Tuesday.

To celebrate my freedom from work for the near future, I hung out with some friends last night. At their house, there was a bit of an awkward moment that made me think of the McLovin incident last weekend. Before I was 21, I was terrified of alcohol and wanted nothing to do with it. Now, I go to several parties a month, and I generally have a few drinks at these parties. So when I decided to try some plum wine that was there, my hosts, who have known me virtually throughout my college career, joshed that I was an alcoholic now. I decided to play along with the joke, claiming that any mistakes I was making during the night were due to my alcoholism. Eventually, another friend of mine said, in a very concerned voice, "Jay, don't worry. You're not an alcoholic. Trust me, I know alcoholics, and you're not one." Somehow, she had gotten the impression that I took what my hosts said to heart, and she was nicely, but unnecessarily, defending my reputation/self-esteem. Just as with the McLovin incident, a joke I made was misconstrued to be serious, leading (this time) to an abrupt end of the joke. Is my humor becoming too subtle? Maybe she didn't know me well enough to tell that I was joking?

Whatever the case, it made me think about how difficult it can be to talk to people. Sometimes, you don't know their background, their history, their tragedies, their pet peeves, all the things that could offend them or remind them of an unpleasant memory. When my friend rushed to my defense over the alcoholic characterization, I got the impression that she was reacting to something that occurred in her past. I guess the only way to avoid issues like that is to get to know your friends better, but it's chilling to know that you might hurt someone you like with a careless joke or flippant remark. Until mind melding becomes a reality or we all transcend to form one consciousness, I suppose there's no way around that risk. Any day now, right?

And as I was having that thought last night, I got a call from my mom. She told me that my brother had been robbed and that his car, money, and cell phone were stolen. She needed me to help her find out how to cancel his cell phone. I did, and shortly afterwards, she promised to call me back later to fill me in on the details and hung up to talk to the police some more. My friends had caught the concern in my voice during my half of the conversation, and I told them what was going on, kind of in shock that this had happened to someone in my family, much less to one of my brothers. Not knowing what else to do, I stuck around with my friends and continued on as before, kept calm by the knowledge that my brother wasn't hurt, that his things could be replaced, and that my parents were in control of the situation.

Minutes after I laid down for bed around 1:30 am, I got another call, during which my mom explained what had happened: A man had approached my brother and his friend in a parking lot, claimed to have a gun, told him to hand over his keys, money, phone, etc., and drove off in my brother's car. Suddenly, I heard one of my parents (I forgot who) say to my brother, "Wait... is that your car?" My brother responded appropriately: "Holy shit!" My mom hastily said, "We've got to go," and hung up again.

I was completely in the dark for 20 minutes, afraid that the guy had shown up at our house to make good on his threat to kill my brother and his friend if they called the police before noon today. Then, after an agonizing wait, my phone rang, and I picked up. "We got him," my mom said breathlessly. "What?" I responded. Here's the full story: This guy was high on some drug, which explains why he was so bold as to approach two people and the dog they were walking, instead of some person by his/herself. As it turned out, the guy never had a gun, but there was no way anyone could have known for certain until afterwards. During my mom's last call, my parents and brother had been driving home on a main road, and they weren't at home like I had feared. As they were driving, this guy, in my brother's car, had pulled right in front of them. They followed him, contacting the police along the way, and eventually he was ID'ed by my brother and his friend, and he was surrounded and arrested. Some of my brother's possessions were kept for evidence, but he has his car back.

I can't make up a story that insane. My brother was pretty shook up immediately afterwards, but according to my parents, he's doing ok now. I can only imagine the long-term repercussions this will have for him psychologically, but as unfortunate as this robbery was, it ended about as well as it could have, so we're all grateful for that. Maybe the quick turnaround will help my brother deal with the fear he experienced, or maybe I'm wrong and he's already bounced back. I sure hope so; I'm not sure I would have.

Regardless of the fact that this didn't happen to me, knowing that it could have easily happened to me led to one of those life re-examination moments. I thought about how all my stress over school seemed petty and insignificant. I thought about my future and whether I'll actually enjoy either of the jobs for which I'll be accepting an offer soon (I can't know for certain, but I think so). I thought about how I'll be starting a new life next year, how my current friends will be all over the map while I'll be in the Baltimore-DC area trying to find new friends (or current friends who happen to be in the area?). Life is advancing unusually quickly, and it's made me appreciate all the good things available to me right now, such as my friends, opportunities, luxury time, etc. I'm looking forward to winter break as a time to reflect on all these things and also as a time to (cliché alert) seize the moment and live in the present. I've always had those sentiments in the back of my mind, nagging at me to make the most of my time, but they're now acuter than ever, and I plan on listening to them.

Fear and Loathing (Mostly Fear)

And we're entering the home stretch now. I have a research paper due on the 10th (the same day as my NSA interview, but I should be back that afternoon) and two exams within about a week after that. Basically, if I can just make it through the 10th, it should be smooth sailing from there.

I didn't get an offer from Proteus Technologies, but I wasn't terribly enthusiastic about the company, as I wasn't able to interview on-site and the first technical guy who interviewed me didn't make the company sound that great. So getting a rejection letter wasn't a devastating blow; I just wish it were possible to know how these things would turn out in advance so that I wouldn't have to waste my time applying to companies that aren't going to give me offers. Of course, that's an unrealistic expectation, but man, it sure would make the whole process more pleasant.

While I'm nervous about the NSA interview, I'm equally nervous about the possibility that they do give me a tentative offer (which, I was told, they would do within the same week as the interview). Such an offer would be conditional on a polygraph, a background check, and the ability to get security clearance, but holding onto the tentative offer would require me to abandon the job offer I have and to have faith that I'll be able to get through the rest of the process without any red flags coming up. The security clearance shouldn't be an issue, but I have no idea how polygraphs work or what questions they would ask me. If I'm nervous, would that instantly be a red flag? And what about the background check? Is having a blog and talking about this process a no-no? If anything comes up, would they come to me first and ask me about it, instead of just rejecting me without giving a reason? Would expressing these concerns to them during the interview make me look suspicious? I'm probably being paranoid; after all, I have about as clear a record as someone can have. But the anxiety of knowing that some oversight or misstep could leave me high and dry, with no offers, would be almost unbearable. Still, I guess I should worry about getting the tentative offer and go from there.

Whew, good to get that off my chest. Those nagging doubts have been eating at me this whole week. Of course, they're not gone, but expressing them at least clarifies my concerns and focuses me on what I need to be doing to address them. I'll probably just talk to my parents about it before and after the interview. That should help.

Despite all that's going on, I'm still making time to go to a party Friday night. I've really been making a conscious effort to get out there and meet people this semester, mainly in a somewhat desperate effort to meet some women. And although there have been some promising developments, they might be false hopes. My fear is that, if I don't have one significant relationship that lasts more than a handful of days, I'll somehow have failed as a person in college, even as I've succeeded as a student. I've always thought that college is more than about developing one's vocational talents; it's also about becoming a fuller person, and part of that means developing the social skills that I'll need outside of college, and I don't think I've done that yet. I've certainly improved myself in that arena, but if I can't successfully meet women in college, what chances do I have in the "real world", where people my age and with my interests aren't concentrated in one space?

Ugh, I thought I was done with all that teenage angst-type crap. I guess one's insecurities never really go away until they're successfully surmounted. What's probably bothering me is, my roommates have been trying these "seduction" techniques they found online (mainly this “Fast Seduction” website, which you can visit if you want to judge for yourself), and for at least one of my roommates, they're working. But going with those seems so unnatural, so calculated. If I begin a relationship, I want it to be on my own terms, through my own personality, not something I read on a website. I've tried to talk to them about how shallow these techniques seem to treat women, even with tints of misogynism at times, but since they're having some success with the techniques, there's no convincing them to turn back at this point.

Anyway, all it will take will be one enjoyable party where I attract some woman's attention, and all of this self-doubt will melt away. And so will these neurotic posts. For that reason alone, wish me luck.