Fear and Loathing (Mostly Fear)

And we're entering the home stretch now. I have a research paper due on the 10th (the same day as my NSA interview, but I should be back that afternoon) and two exams within about a week after that. Basically, if I can just make it through the 10th, it should be smooth sailing from there.

I didn't get an offer from Proteus Technologies, but I wasn't terribly enthusiastic about the company, as I wasn't able to interview on-site and the first technical guy who interviewed me didn't make the company sound that great. So getting a rejection letter wasn't a devastating blow; I just wish it were possible to know how these things would turn out in advance so that I wouldn't have to waste my time applying to companies that aren't going to give me offers. Of course, that's an unrealistic expectation, but man, it sure would make the whole process more pleasant.

While I'm nervous about the NSA interview, I'm equally nervous about the possibility that they do give me a tentative offer (which, I was told, they would do within the same week as the interview). Such an offer would be conditional on a polygraph, a background check, and the ability to get security clearance, but holding onto the tentative offer would require me to abandon the job offer I have and to have faith that I'll be able to get through the rest of the process without any red flags coming up. The security clearance shouldn't be an issue, but I have no idea how polygraphs work or what questions they would ask me. If I'm nervous, would that instantly be a red flag? And what about the background check? Is having a blog and talking about this process a no-no? If anything comes up, would they come to me first and ask me about it, instead of just rejecting me without giving a reason? Would expressing these concerns to them during the interview make me look suspicious? I'm probably being paranoid; after all, I have about as clear a record as someone can have. But the anxiety of knowing that some oversight or misstep could leave me high and dry, with no offers, would be almost unbearable. Still, I guess I should worry about getting the tentative offer and go from there.

Whew, good to get that off my chest. Those nagging doubts have been eating at me this whole week. Of course, they're not gone, but expressing them at least clarifies my concerns and focuses me on what I need to be doing to address them. I'll probably just talk to my parents about it before and after the interview. That should help.

Despite all that's going on, I'm still making time to go to a party Friday night. I've really been making a conscious effort to get out there and meet people this semester, mainly in a somewhat desperate effort to meet some women. And although there have been some promising developments, they might be false hopes. My fear is that, if I don't have one significant relationship that lasts more than a handful of days, I'll somehow have failed as a person in college, even as I've succeeded as a student. I've always thought that college is more than about developing one's vocational talents; it's also about becoming a fuller person, and part of that means developing the social skills that I'll need outside of college, and I don't think I've done that yet. I've certainly improved myself in that arena, but if I can't successfully meet women in college, what chances do I have in the "real world", where people my age and with my interests aren't concentrated in one space?

Ugh, I thought I was done with all that teenage angst-type crap. I guess one's insecurities never really go away until they're successfully surmounted. What's probably bothering me is, my roommates have been trying these "seduction" techniques they found online (mainly this “Fast Seduction” website, which you can visit if you want to judge for yourself), and for at least one of my roommates, they're working. But going with those seems so unnatural, so calculated. If I begin a relationship, I want it to be on my own terms, through my own personality, not something I read on a website. I've tried to talk to them about how shallow these techniques seem to treat women, even with tints of misogynism at times, but since they're having some success with the techniques, there's no convincing them to turn back at this point.

Anyway, all it will take will be one enjoyable party where I attract some woman's attention, and all of this self-doubt will melt away. And so will these neurotic posts. For that reason alone, wish me luck.