I’m A Senior? What Nitwit Let That Happen? Oh…

As I have a slight case of insomnia and I promised that I would update within 2 weeks of my Facebook rant, I think now’s a good time to post my thoughts about school and my current place in it. It seems to be a tradition for me.

If I had to pick one word to sum up my senior year experience so far, it would be “odd.” In a lot of ways, I feel just as awkward as I did my freshman year. I continue to abstain from drinking (that may change in October; I honestly haven’t made up my mind yet), a choice that alienates me from the primary social scene at Lehigh. I’m still a sub-par or, at best, average conversationalist, which infuriates me to no end; in my head, I’m the most articulate person you’ve ever met, but I just can’t seem to translate those clear thoughts and impressions into coherent sentences except when I’m in a completely comfortable situation (which is rarely). This blog is the closest I’ve gotten to communicating my thoughts in the way they exist internally, but even my writing bothers me (for example, I can’t even find a good synonym for “thoughts,” so I’m going to use that word over and over again). I remain a physical weenie; if I didn’t walk around campus as much as I do, I would have no visible muscle beyond the bare minimum required to type on a keyboard and throw a frisbee (I refuse to let myself atrophy that much).

And yet, there’s just enough different about my life to confirm that I’m a senior. My class schedule and workload certainly match my senior status: 6 classes, including the one I TA, with hundreds of pages to read each week and a computer science senior project to accomplish by the end of the semester. Of course, there is also the writhing mass of club positions that I juggle to compensate for my lack of a party-hardy lifestyle. To be fair to myself, I wouldn’t be taking on those responsibilities if I didn’t actually care about and enjoy the clubs I’m in, but I have no delusions that the only reason I barely have time to be in them is because I have no significant social/love life… but I shouldn’t even be touching that topic. My computer gaming hobby has virtually vanished into the background, with only enough time to keep up with gaming news, but I play/watch video games with my roommates often enough that I don’t miss the lost time that much (I regret not being able to finish Oblivion and HoMM V, but that’s about it). As for exercise, that’s been a conscious choice on my part to sacrifice a satisfactory body in exchange for the time necessary to get everything else I want done at college, so I have only myself to blame for that.

The two main responsibilities that make me feel my age are my TA position and being president of the Gaming Club. Without those, this year would heavily mirror last year. I’ve only held office hours for a week and gotten 2 students asking for my help (not counting those who ask me questions in class), but already I’ve derived a sense of seniority from that. Once I proctor the first exam and grade it, I think that will be the tipping point into fully realizing that I’m a senior.

The confidence I have in navigating this campus (both corporeally and bureaucratically) is a pretty cool benefit of being a senior. If the Gaming Club needs something or wants to organize an event, I generally know where to find it or who to contact to arrange it. And going to the first Winddown this semester and having almost everyone there simultaneously welcome me by name was a nice ego boost.

I do have to admit that, other than the weekends when I sometimes find myself missing a lot of my friends who graduated last year, I’m content with the balance between school and extracurricular, work and play, that I’ve struck. At times, it can be exhausting and overwhelming, but I like to push myself to my mental limits and come back stronger from having done it (as long as I don’t go too far). And knowing that, assuming nothing goes terribly awry, I’ll be back here next year with a more relaxed schedule keeps me motivated. The way I see it, most people get only one chance at college and certainly only one chance at their youth, and I want to get as much of what I want out of both as I can.