Summer Break: Epilogue

Jay's Kinda Monthly Rant:
Well, it's August 1st, which means that I have exactly 2 weeks left in my summer break. And, surprisingly, I'm not angry or sad about that. As I've said before, I've done much more this summer than I ever expected, so I'm not sorry to see it end. After what will have been 10 weeks of 8 hours per weekday work when all is said and done, I'm ready to go back to the refuge from the real world which is college.

And that's one facet of myself that has troubled me this summer: a desire to escape reality. Quite frankly, much of what I see in today's world frustrates and repulses me: the war in Iraq, the rhetoric from both the Bush and Kerry campaigns, the sensationalist media (not that that's a particularly recent development), the steady decline of morals in our society (including a few of my close friends, although I'm not a saint either), etc. While I still at least glance at the headlines each day, I've tried to escape what I perceive as a gloomy world in a number of typical ways: being as socially active as possible, computer games (my longtime companion and solace, mock it if you will), Comedy Central (humor always helps), the Internet, and music, to name a few.

However, recently, some of my friends have actually exacerbated my depression (at least that's what I'm calling my dark mood, in lieu of a better term). Many of them take regular jabs at my liberal beliefs, assaulting them with soulless statistics (which can easily be distorted and manipulated) or ignorant beliefs (there are still people who insist that Hussein and 9/11 are related) that just inflame my frustration. In addition, I find that I say things when I'm with my friends that I wouldn't have said if I simply took a few seconds to think about my words before uttering them; these words give people false impressions of me that haunt me for weeks later. So, while I generally have fun with my friends when I spend time with them, it's a double-edged sword in some ways.

For that reason, I'm actually seriously considering isolating myself from them a little bit. For example, tomorrow, Doom 3 comes out. I reserved a copy, so I'll be getting it the same day. Tomorrow, there is also something social I could do. So, since tomorrow is a Monday and I have work for most of the day, it's a choice between devoting several hours to a game that I've been eagerly awaiting for a number of weeks or sacrificing that time so I can be with my friends. Right now, as bad as I feel about it, I'm leaning towards the game. In the end, I think it will depend on what my friends plan on doing (of course, we don't have a plan yet), but I believe the game is going to win out for a number of reasons: games are simpler than people; this particular game is one that, for the full experience, should be given a number of uninterrupted hours in order to get fully immersed in its atmosphere; and missing one social event so that I can play a game will honestly not devastate me or make me a terrible person. Still, something is not right when a game is more appealing to me than my friends.

And guilt plagues me this summer as well. From an outsider's perspective, there is absolutely no reason why I should be complaining about my life. I've got an incredible job, I'm going out with my friends often, I'm on the right track academically, and my future looks bright. So, the fact that I'm not satisfied with my life causes me to feel like I'm ungrateful for all the great opportunities and privileges I've had in my life, and that's the last thing I want to be. So, there's guilt from that in addition to guilt from the amount of money I earn at my job (almost more than some people make in a whole year), but I've rationalized that (good ol' rationalization) by telling myself I'll use the money for worthy causes (probably a cop-out).

I have hope that Time will heal these ails; in a month or so, they should seem insignificant. At least, I hope...