Thoughts

Jay's Kinda Weekly Rant:
As a follow-up to my previous rant, I wrote that article for the Democrats newsletter about the Maginnes controversy (read my last rant if you're lost). The newsletter hasn't been published yet, but the editor of the newsletter told me that he would try to change it as little as possible. So, I went ahead and uploaded the unedited article onto my webspace. Here it is, if you're interested: http://www.lehigh.edu/~jmsc/maginnes.doc

Recently, and by recently I mean last night and, to some extent, this morning, my mind has been captivated by thoughts of the past. I knew that fixating on the past wouldn't change it and that, instead, I should be learning from it and moving on, yet I couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew that I should have been concentrating on the future or, even better, the present, focusing on the here and now, but I couldn't. Why was I unable to stop thinking about events that already occurred and which I can't do anything about now? Answer: regrets.

I have tried to live my life without them, but I have found out just how hard a proposition that is. For me, my regrets are too significant to just be forgotten and relegated to history. For example, I regret not having been more active socially in middle school and high school. As I've said before, adjusting to college socially has been the hardest part of the experience; even with my solid base of friends established here, I find myself eating more meals alone than I would like. I came into college with the advantage of CMST, a summer camp I attended for seven summers that took place on a college campus, and it has certainly helped me deal with the extra independence that comes with college life.

However, I'm still socially awkward: At the Dean's List Reception I attended last night, I was introduced by some of my friends to new people and found myself having trouble conducting a conversation with these people. Part of that difficulty might be attributable to the large amount of people in a small room, creating a lot of noise and a need to raise one's voice over everyone else’s. Regardless, it reminded me of my acute lack of social experience. If I had been more involved socially when I was younger, I would have come into college with that experience, more prepared to deal with and meet new people.

Other regrets: Never going on a date, a big factor in why I'm still single, I'm terrified of the prospect now; never going to prom, a regret compounded further by the thought that, if I had asked the person I'd intended on asking and she had assented, a relationship might have started, and my first regret would have been taken care of (wishful thinking, perhaps); not spending more time with my friends, people I dearly miss now.

In an attempt to avoid confronting these regrets, I went to my normal source of solace last night: computer games. While it provided temporary retreat, the thoughts just became even more nagging when I had finished. Once again, I have turned to my profile to help with my struggle, to express my thoughts, put them out in the open where I can better deal with them. These regrets have also made me think of my friends, not just because one of my regrets involves them but also because I’m wondering whether anyone else is having similar thoughts. In addition, I realize it's been a while since I've heard from some of you. Thus, those of you I haven't talked to recently and have visited my profile in the last month or so, expect to get an IM from me sometime soon. I want to know how some of you are doing and what's going on in your lives. I have exams coming up soon (first one is on Thursday), so I'll probably be messaging people on Friday, during the weekend, or whenever else I can spare. Look out, everyone, because I'm coming for you! :-P