Loneliness

Jay's Kinda Weekly Rant:
I must say, I'm very disappointed in you people. Many of you are visiting my profile, but I'm hearing nary a peep from you guys. I was hoping that a profile would get you guys talking to me, either just to say hi or to discuss something in my rant with me. If need be, I'll message every last one of you. I'll do it too; don't make me! However, as I said in the last rant, I'll be coming home Tuesday night and leaving Sunday evening, so hopefully I'll see many of you in that time.

As my introduction may have hinted, I'm quite lonely. I mentioned this fact briefly in my first rant, but I think I'll feel better if I elaborate (this journal is for my benefit, not for your enjoyment, so deal with it! heh). This is probably going to be the most open I've ever been about my emotions, but I feel it is necessary for progress in my own emotional growth. Get ready to see a different side of me that many of you haven't seen before.

While I'm wanting for friendship, I also desire love. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but there it is. A few of you knew this and some of you may have suspected, but I've never come right out and said it. And, for the record, no, I'm not high/drunk. lol Now, why have I chosen to make this desire public? Frankly, bottling it up inside of me has been consuming me, causing me to do things I quickly regretted later. Oftentimes, love (or rather, my lack of it) is all I think about, distracting me from the rest of life. Expressing this sentiment of mine is an attempt on my part to free myself from love's ever-tightening grip on my life. I've come to realize that part of why I play computer games so much is in an effort to get my mind off of this enormous hole in my heart (yes, it's cliché, but I believe it's appropriate here).

Now that you are aware of this secret of mine, what should you do about it? Absolutely nothing. As I said, I'm saying all of this only for my own well-being (I'm selfish, aren't I?); I don't expect any of you to do anything for me. It is painful for me, but I'm trying to struggle through my feelings on my own, figuring out the best course of action to take on them. Realistically, I don't expect this problem of mine will be resolved anytime soon; emotionally, my heart is crying out for an end to my pain. However, I try to stay strong, resist the many temptations that come out from this desire, and try not to give in to the easy routes of meaningless flings or plunging into oblivion (not necessarily suicide, though I'll admit that, during the lowest times, that thought has crossed my mind once or twice). As I said, I don't see the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" yet, but that does not mean I do not have hope.